I can just hear what my dad would say: "Why can't you just be happy for her?" Why, indeed. Why can't I share my best friend's pregnancy with her? Why can't I be stronger? Bigger? Nicer? Why did I send her an email begging her forgiveness that I couldn't really bear to hear about her pregnancy (I couldn't even type of the dreaded "p" word) and that I needed to be selfish right now?
I would have to explain the feeling of utter sadness that I feel everytime I think about how she is having a nice uneventful pregnancy after a relatively uneventful period of trying to conceive. I would have to discuss how difficult it is for me to think about how she's probably feeling movement now and I'm feeling the condom wand three times a week to see how my follicles are doing. I would have to explain how it still pains me that we lost our baby that we worked so hard to conceive.
I know what I would say to me if I heard that. "Suck it up and get over it." Were it that easy. The thing is that it's not something you just get over. It's actually easy when it's someone you don't know that well. Unless you see them often, you probably won't get many updates until the blessed event arrives. But with best friends, your obligations are a lot more involved. I feel incredibly guilty that I am asking to be let out of this particular obligation.
I sometimes think I should be stronger. And I feel guilty for not being strong. I feel guilty for being selfish and not sharing this with her. But I also know that right now, I would not be a very good friend, no matter how hard I would try. I would be the Debbie Downer in the room. And, I will tell myself that it is better not to be there than to be a Debbie Downer.
I just hope that I can forgive myself while simunltaneously giving myself permission not to feel guilty anymore that this is one thing I can't do and that's ok.