As I poured my (large) glass of wine for the evening and headed to the bathroom for some good old-fashioned tub soaking, I pondered why I was so upset that we are now on the hook for our medication. Other than the obvious reason that it is not an insubstantial sum of money to fork over, I thought of the two real reasons that explained why I was being an Ungrateful Bitch.
Reason 1: I am a terrible gambler.
This is not based on my win/lose record, but because I am the cheapest gambler known to man. I went to Vegas and put exactly $4 in the slots (and I had difficulty parting with that much). I do better with lottery tickets if only because part of the money you spend is to really have a legitimate reason to fantasize about everything that you are going to buy when you (of course) win the big pot. But, I am just a cheap-ass gambler which means I don't gamble.
Square that with infertility, however, and you have what is known in fancy words as a paradox. Infertility treatments are the ultimate gamble. Every month you are gambling on hope, money, eggs, sperm, uteruses, and a whole host of other factors to achieve that jackpot of a smiling pregnancy test. It's one thing to gamble all of that with the cushion of knowing that some of it is being paid for with someone else's money. But now, we are gambling with our own money. Money that should be saved toward a college fund or donated to an animal shelter. I'm afraid that this is going to make it that much more difficult to accept if we have a bad outcome.
Reason 2: I have to pay for that which should be free.
I have a rather well-developed, and frankly probably over developed, sense of the unfair. For example, it is not fair that one person gets paid more than another person simply based upon their gender. That's a no-brainer. It's also not fair that animals are treated cruelly every day while others are pampered and given caviar. As for my situation, I think that it is unfair that I have to pay for the pleasure of medical intervention to get pregnant when most people can just do it in the back of a car for free (ok, maybe someone has to shell out money for dinner, but we're not talking the thousands of dollars that any given procedure might cost you).
The response that most people want to give to this particular complaint is "life is unfair" or "you got dealt a bad hand". I'm sorry - that's just not good enough for me. I think I, and all of the women dealing with infertility out there, deserve a better answer than that. Unfortunately, I know that a better answer doesn't exist. And that is totally unfair.