Friday, March 28, 2008

Graduation Day

I should mention that Dr. Uterus, while having a solo practice as a reproductive endocronologist, shares office space with a high risk OB. If he wasn't Dr. Uterus, I would have abandoned him long ago in favor of someone who didn't routinely have very pregnant ladies in his waiting area. But, he is Dr. Uterus and he is wonderful (and did I ever mention that he's easy on the eyes?), so I put up with the pregnant ladies (and the pregnancy magazines and the fliers about maternity tours at the nearby hospital).

Anyway, on the day when I had the unexpected visit to his office because my beta was rising rather than declining after he had predicted the miscarriage, I saw a heavily pregnant woman walking ahead of me to his office. I knew why she was there and I was so angry that I was in my place and she was in hers. She was happy and practically bursting and I was already annoyed at having to cancel my trip and go visit him to see if I was going to have more drama (the theory was a possible ectopic). This was just karmic icing on the cake.

As Dr. Uterus' nurse called for me, she turned the husband of the Bursting Pregnant Lady and said "hi". It was at that point that I realized, they were former patients and had graduated to the high risk OB. Rather than feel hope, my heart sank. I was a double failure. It wasn't like she had just gotten knocked up the normal way - she was a Dr. Uterus Success Story and here I was, the misfit with rising betas and what are probably delicately referred to as "issues". To be sure, I had no idea what this lady had been through. She could have had five previous miscarriages for all I knew. Frankly, at that moment I didn't care.
image: Amigurumi Kingdom
All I cared about what that she had graduated and I hadn't. I was being held back. Again. I had to repeat Remedial Infertility 101 and Early Pregnancy Loss 102. This is particularly difficult for me since I am a Type A, Class A, Grade A Overachiever with delusions of perfection and immodesty. I was salutatorian of my high school class, I graduated with honors from college and was near the top of my class in grad school. I don't do failure.

So, not ever being able to even graduate from Dr. Uterus' care is another blow to my self-esteem which is obviously heavily dependent upon my ability to succeed in conventional situations. Now, my rational mind knows that a) I have no blame for my first miscarriage and probably no blame for the second and b) my inability to get or stay pregnant is not a reflection on my worth as a person. But, my rational mind is being put in a half-nelson by my irrational, emotional, hormone-fueled, addled and grief stricken psyche and it is not going to let go. Bad crazed psyche!

The next step is to wrest my rational mind away from the crazed psyche. Maybe I should add that to the list? I suspect that all that will help is time and healing. I have a lot of the former and need a lot of the latter. Or maybe, I just need to grieve for the loss of yet another "normal" milestone.

5 comments:

Deathstar said...

Unfortunately, the universe doesn't discriminate between crack hos and overachievers. It doesn't make sense, and as much as I'd like to have an answer for all the injustices in the world, I don't. And saying it's God's will isn't good enough for me. Please take care of yourself, take the time you need, grieve your loss, or get angry and put together Ikea furniture.

shinejil said...

I know I've felt better since I grasped somehow that this isn't about me--the conscious mind me--but my poor body, who just can't seem to figure it out. And there's really nothing we can do, right? It's not an exam or a competition. It's just luck of the draw.

Anyway, dear, I'm sorry you're wrestling with the crazed hormones.

Paranoid said...

Infertility can really mess with your mind, especially when you're used to the idea that you'll succeed if you just try hard enough.

I really, really hope that someday, you'll have your own graduation day.

Ahuva Batya said...

I'm so hopeful for you that you reach graduation day. I know how hard this is for your sense of everything; somehow it's going to be ok. I know it is.

Ms Heathen said...

I really identified with this post. I too am quite driven, and experienced my inability to conceive as a personal failing. Infertility has really knocked my self-esteem - slowly but surely, that sense of failure has seeped into other areas of my life.

Shinejil has some wise words - we have no conscious control over this; it is rather a random act of biological bad luck.

As you say, coming to terms with recent events will take time. I am thinking of you, and wish you well as you take your first tentative steps on the journey towards healing.