Sunday, April 20, 2008

Unraveling

I thought I was doing pretty well last week. I had reached the point where my trip somewhere wasn't ruined by the sight of a lady with the tell-tale bulge. I was calm, serene - but the dam had to burst sometime.

Things started to unravel Friday afternoon. I hadn't slept well all week, I was working extremely hard on a project at work that is easily the most important of my career (no pressure!) that also happened to be extremely challenging, all while trying to make the most of my 'down time' at night with self-improvement and overall creativity. Needless to say, by the time Friday rolled around, I was exhausted - mentally and physically. I suspect that this set me up for being unable to handle all of the crap that was thrown at me.
First, on Friday I realized that come the beginning of next month, it will have been Three Long Years since we officially threw out the birth control and began planning who was going to take our new little urchin to day care. No matter how I looked at it, I could not see the positives - all I could see was that three years later, it's still just me, the guy and the furry beasts. Sure I can get pregnant! Sure my tubes are clear! So far, it hasn't done me a damn bit of good. I found this utterly depressing.

Friday night we went out with some friends to a local festival. Upon arriving, what is the first thing I see? Very pregnant ladies. Two of them, in fact. Couple that will all of the homeless kitties we saw in the park, and I was in a sad state.

Saturday, we go out to lunch and pick the restaurant mainly based on the fact that it has outdoor dining since it was a gorgeous day. This time, the hostess was pregnant and there was a very pregnant (and extmremely chic) lady there as well. Oh, and the hair salon has a very pregnant stylist (not mine) who had to walk back and forth in front of me. Am I destined to have this thrown in my face? I was officially getting discouraged and depressed.

Today, we went to the grocery store - the new one up the street that I hate with a passion reserved usually for the worst of the worst - and wouldn't you know it? Our checker was pregnant. And, I passed a woman talking to another woman about how she started to show immediately. Plus, one infant, and several six-ten month olds. I think I have officially reached my breaking point.

Talk about hitting you when you're down - I was already feeling depressed this weekend and then I just keep being reminded of the two babies I have lost and the fact that I can't even make it to the bulging stage. I want to be as big as a house! I don't want to be able to see my feet, I want to complain that I look like a whale because all of it means that I'm pregnant with a sentient being who kicks and sleeps and belches, all in my tummy - who will arrive with my eyes and his nose and look like all of the ancestors that we've ever had.

I know that there is an ebb and tide of grief - just like there are hills and valleys in life. I know that last week was the ebbing and this weekend was the tide. It just hurts so much, but there is no detour, no way around it. And, better out than in.

I still wish, though, that I could reach that point where it didn't bother me. I suspect, though, that it's like most things - some days you can and some days you can't. These just happened to be "can't" days.

9 comments:

beautycourage said...

Hi there, I am new to your blog but realized from reading this that we have been trying for the exact same amount of time (we started in April 05 and have nothing to show for it but heartache, either). And I agree, these days come and go, and there are times where I feel haunted by the sheer volume of pregnant people who cross my path. I don't know if I will ever get over it, but some days are better than others, I agree with you. You are not alone! -Dot

Ms Heathen said...

I'm so sorry that you had such a difficult weekend, Mrs X.

Please take care of yourself, and know that we are all sitting quietly with you as you experience these waves of grief.

shinejil said...

Maybe this will always bother you. You've got every reason to be very bothered, though being hurt by every pregnant lady is a rough place to be.

I'm so sorry you're hurting, Mrs. X. What a bunch of tough anniversaries you've been having...and you've been so brave and stalwart in trying to be constructive. You know I admire you, and not only for that.

Good luck on the project! I'm sure you're going to do a bang-up job on it.

Inkling said...

I've never commented before, but I'm Farmwife's cousin. Last April we had a miscarriage which included all the silly things people say when that happens and they can't figure out how to just say "I'm sorry", and then this April, a nurse whose child I watch 3 days a week sat me down and began to tell me that not only are my ovaries getting old, but my eggs are too (I'm 33, which is NOT old). Yesterday at a party, a friend of mine who cannot conceive because of health issues was surrounded by pregnant moms and mothers with copious amounts of small children. One of them actually asked her if she had children, if she planned to have children, what she does since she doesn't have children, and then didn't figure out she'd be better off shutting up. Knowing just a tiny bit of my friend's pain and the struggles she wrestles with inside, I just wanted to clear the room of all active ovaries. She handled it gracefully in front of them, but I know she went home and let her true feelings show there as she made her exit shortly after the pregnant mom ran her mouth. I'm NOT saying that I can relate to your journey completely, but am saying that I know how others can make life less than easy just by their presence. Watching all of this is teaching me to be quieter, to not say things so dogmatically or ask things quite so boldly, especially if I haven't walked in the shoes of the other person. I am sorry that you are up against all of that right now, especially right now.

Mrs.X said...

Dot - thanks for commenting! It's so good to know that I'm not alone, although I'm sorry you have to go through this too.

ms heathen - thanks. Without people like you, this would be so much harder.

shinejil- thanks. Your wise words always bring a smile to my face. And, that admiration is a two way street.

Paranoid said...

I'm sorry things are so tough. It does get better, a little, but there will always be days where things hit you particularly hard.

If it helps, you're in my thoughts.

Pepper said...

I too go through periods of feeling suffocated by Everyone Else's pregnancies and babies. Those times are so hard because they're full of despair. I hope this wave doesn't last long.

Melanie said...

You are going to have bad, sad, mad days, but it doesn't take away your strength. You've been through a hell of a lot and carried yourself with grace and good humor and positivity. I would be checking you for weapons of mass destruction if you didn't break down once in a while.

luna said...

they're everywhere, I know. some days I just feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says all pregnant bellies walk this way. it's ridiculous. it sucks that it hurts so much to see, and I wonder if it will ever get any easier...

good luck on your big project. ~luna