Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A Dark Anniversary

I was in the shower this morning when I remembered the date: April 16. Today, one year ago, I learned that our first pregnancy had ended while we were on vacation. I had gone to Dr. Uterus' office looking forward to seeing how much the little one had grown, hearing the heartbeat again - and maybe, just maybe, being released from his care and into the hands of an OB for the rest of the journey.

Instead, I got a stab of panic when he found that the baby was measuring small for the time frame. It was supposed to be my 11-week check-up and the baby was measuring at 9w2d. Then, I got abject terror when he couldn't find a heartbeat. Then, I got numbness when he said those two little words: "I'm sorry." It was a terrible, terrible day.

I know that today is not that day, but even a year hasn't dimmed the memory, the pain or the heartache. It is all still there, just under the surface.

image: Ashimjara

18 comments:

loribeth said...

(((hugs))) These "anniversaries" are so hard. Be kind to yourself today!

Lori said...

I'm taking a moment of silence to honor your loss.

A hug to you.

FarmWife said...

I'm so very sorry. You are in my prayers today (and everyday).

Rachel said...

I'm sorry to hear that pain has not dulled. Anniversaries can be so awful.

shinejil said...

I so sorry, dear Mrs. X.

JJ said...

Thinking of you today...

luna said...

so sorry, dear mrs. x. take care today. gorgeous photo of the rose. ~luna

Paranoid said...

I'm sorry. Those anniversaries, along with the due dates, are so hard to take.

I hope you take care of yourself today.

Deathstar said...

I will chant for you tonight - please take good care of yourself and your husband.

Denise said...

I'm so sorry. It feels lame to have nothing else to say, but really, there are no other words, are there?

Emily said...

It's so easy to remember what we've lost in life. I'm wishing you a moment of peace for today and everyday. Hugs to you, Mrs. X. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Ms Heathen said...

I'm so sorry, Mrs X. Please take extra special care of yourself on this difficult day. You are in my thoughts.

Pepper said...

Anniversaries like that are like a punch in the gut. I've learned that time doesn't necessarily make things easier; the feelings are just more familiar than they were at the beginning. I hope yesterday was gentle on you.

Cibele said...

I am so sorry. I've been there and I know how painful and dark those anniversary are

Hugs

MP3 e MP4 said...
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Pamela Jeanne said...

Those reminders of the days that change your life bring it all back as though no time has passed at all ... sigh. Thinking of you.

Rebeccah said...

Many hugs to you.

TABI said...

I am so sorry. Anniversaries really really suck. As I recover from my ectopic now I face the anniversary of my 1st ectopic- fun fun. Hang in there and let time heal.