Packing It In

In anticipation of tomorrow's likely bad news, I've begun the process of packing things away. The progesterone and accoutrements have been packed into a box and safely ensconsed on a shelf in the corner of the closet. I shut off the daily alarm on my phone for my PIO shot. I'll take back my (very full) sharps container to Dr. Uterus' office for disposal tomorrow.

This time, though, there will be no pictures to deal with, no scans, no notes on heartbeats or calculations of due dates. All of that makes this easier. There will be only small notations in the calendar of dates for tests and procedures. It won't be like last time.

Last time, I made Sweetie immediately remove the baby name book that we had borrowed from his co-worker. I hid the scan pictures and whited out the weekly notations on how far along I would be for the next month. I wanted no reminder of the bitch slap that I had gotten.

Through these past few days, I've been reminded of the poem by W.H. Auden that I am embarrassed to admit I didn't actually ever read until Four Weddings and a Funeral:

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

I feel a certain peace now. As far as I'm concerned, tomorrow is just confirmation of the bad news and the time for starting to move on. I've already been through the initial freak out (which always sucks) and am now moving on to the deeper process of grieving another failed pregnancy.

I emailed my dad today to ask him how we move forward. His advice? Take a full year off from trying to conceive, infertility treatments, the works and focus on us, our life outside of infertility (there is such a thing?) and basically recuperating. Initially, a year seemed rather draconian to me, but the idea of time away from Dr. Uterus and the shots, the expense, the inconvenience, the heartache, the waiting, everything IF-related is so tempting and ... liberating.

I mentioned it to Sweetie during his daily call and he said that ultimately, it was my call. I don't think I can wait a whole year. I thought about six months and then three months. I decided that I could do three months and Sweetie was cool with it. So, we decided that if things are as we expect them to be tomorrow, we will take three months off and then re-evaluate. Our little totscicles will wait for us.

In the mean time, we plan to go to Paris in the spring and just enjoy each other. I will continue making the baby quilt for my friend (and learn to quilt at the same time). I will also try to finish a certification process for my job that I have been putting off.

And, we will grieve our second baby. That is all we can do right now.
image: R.I.Pienaar