Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Post In Which Mrs. X Has Deep Thoughts

Now that the hoopla and busy-ness of ovary monitoring, egg retrievals, embryo reports and embryo transfers has gone away, I'm left to wait. When I wait, I dwell. When I dwell, I inevitably think un-positive thoughts. Let's face it, you usually don't dwell on positive thoughts - its the negative ones that sneak in and begin to mulitply. (image: wani abdullah )

I am just getting that feeling as if the die is finally set and what will be will be. Normally, I actually find a lot of relief in that thought because it means that worrying can't do anything and therefore, I shouldn't worry. But this time, unlike all of the other steps that we have gone through with IVF, there is no next step, there is no chance to pull things out. Either the embryo(s) implant or they don't and all that stands between me and that test is a lot of time.

It is hard not to place a crushing amount of weight on the outcome of that test. You want to be positive so that you aren't harming your body with negative thoughts, but you don't want to think too positive lest you get horribly crushed should things go wrong. This is the seventh time I have been in the medicated 2ww and I have still not found that perfect balance, that alchemy between hope and caution that allows me to live through the 2ww without driving myself crazy while not getting my hopes up so high that I fall to the ground faster than you can say "infertility sucks". Inevitably, my positive thoughts turn to that wonderful delusion that I could be pregnant. And I always, always feel lilke an idiot for thinking it when the test comes back negative.

I would like to say that I'm preparing myself for a negative. That's probably partly true. I think, though, which each negative result, I'm learning how to shrink my hope that much more to prevent further heartache. Yet, I also feel guilty that I'm buying into a self-fulfilling prophecy if I prepare myself for a negative.

In the end, I am once again reminded that I can't really control anything and I have done the absolute best that I can. I'm eating well, not drinking, no chugging the Diet Coke, and am faithfully doing the PIO injections (which are actually getting less painful - yay!). But, it just doesn't seem enough. Can I just hibernate until next week?


shinejil said...

You're right, Mrs. X: The die is cast. I know some IVF gals in blogland prefer the "pregnant until proven otherwise" hypothesis, but that rings a bit hollow, no?

Here're my two cents. I don't think that positive or negative thoughts effect all that much. I mean the usual, run-of-the-mill kind, not gut-wrenching anxiety, soul-crushing sorrow, etc. Then you're already getting into stress territory, and wild hope can also be stressful. Moreover, your reluctance to hope will not affect the processes going on in your womb right now. Of that, I feel completely sure.

I wish I could provide some distraction, calm, and comfort (instead of dumb ramblings).I am very glad to hear that the PIO shots are easier now.

Melanie said...

Yes, you can hibernate until next week. Yes, you can watch cheesy sitcoms and eat nachos (and caffeine free diet coke). Yes, you can go shoe shopping and jewelry shopping, online or on foot. (Not pottery barn kids...yet). Yes, you can dream big and yes, you can temper those dreams with what ifs. Pamper yourself and treat yourself well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Schatzi said...

I know the feeling... just wake me up when it is time for the beta :-).

I also like the "die is cast" approach. Then I am no longer as prone to nit pick every little twinge. It is more of just a waiting period to find out what the universe has in store for me.

TABI said...

This is the hardest part to balance - caution and staying optimistic. I have struggled so much with the notion of positive thinking, but I do think no matter what that in the 2ww there is no control. You've done everything you can so distraction is the best medicine for me since if I have any time to think then inevitably all the negative thoughts pour in. I am truly hoping that you get a positive result!!!

Deathstar said...

That's true. You either will be or won't be. Until then all that's left to do is clean the house, do your taxes and play online games. Oh, yeah, and go crazy.

Mrs.X said...

Thank you so, so much ladies. I really appreciate everyone's comments and it is a load off my mind that there's probably not much I can do to influence things right now (which means that I don't have to worry). I really appreciate it!

peesticksandstones said...

Wow... you've articulated so well something that I have a hard time putting in words myself. Thank you!

It is funny, though, how strange it is so ruminate over positive thoughts. My therapist is always trying to encourage me to do this, but geez is it crazy-hard.

Totally thinking of you right now! Take care of yourself, and definitely bring on the comfy blankets, mindless movies and reassuring snacks!

Matthew M. F. Miller said...

Bury your head as deep as you can - under a mountain of pillows if necessary. I know this infertile life leads me to that action many times a week.

Might I recommend a Golden Girls marathon?

Kidlicious said...

Wow, you nailed it. Great writing and so clear.

This is the first time I've read your blog - found you from your comment on Schatzi's blog the Peanut Gallery. I went through IVF in 2005 after 3 years of infertility treatments. I was successful and I'm hoping that you are too!

I wish I had known and had tapped into this blog phenomenon then. These wonderful internet people that have gone through and are going through the same experiences helps, I'm sure. Although, nothing or no one can fully understand the individual circumstance.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and will be back regularly for updates.

Lori said...

I tried yesterday to come up with something helpful to say here, but I can't add to what's already been said.

If you'd like, here's something for your 2ww. Not sure it you accept tags, but here's one for you to consider.