Thursday, February 28, 2008

Gone, Gone, Gone.

It was as we suspected. The gestational sac hadn't grown and the yolk sac had actually disappeared. A miscarriage is imminent. No D&C this time, though, as it was so early on - this also means no karyotype. I did talk with Dr. Uterus about why this keeps happening and as I suspected, we just keep getting the bad draw as my first miscarriage was most certainly a random chromosomal event and this was one was likely the same. I told him if he used the "bad draw of the hand" analogy again I would hit him.

Sweetie and I will probably have chromosomal analyses run on our selves just to rule out some weird problems. We don't anticipate that they will find anything, but it will be worth it to know anyway since that is likely the only testing we can do. I am very lucky that I don't have uterine abnormalities, luteal phase issues or other problems that are usual causes of miscarriage. I just keep getting smacked upside the head by the roll of the dice.

We will definitely take a minimum three month break. Part of me is sad as it seems like we are giving up, but I know that it is the right thing to do. I actually feel incredibly relieved at the idea of just living for a while. Unfortunately, I haven't managed to completely extricate myself from Dr. Uterus' grasp since I have to go back for the repeated bloodwork to make sure the HCG quant goes down. Hopefully it won't take the six weeks it took like time since this pregnancy wasn't that far along. And, I hope I don't have a period for 45 freakin' days straight.

I cried some at his office and I will probably cry some more, but I also was able to have a nice lunch with my friend who came with me. I had prepared for this (although it still hurts).

I am now a member of the even more unenviable club for women with two miscarriages in a row. And still, no baby. It's unfair and sucky, but I have led an otherwise charmed life. I'm married to a wonderful man, have wonderful friends, wonderful parents, the fluffiest and sweetest animals, a good job, a beautiful home and unlimited access to a pied-a-terre in Paris.

I just also happen to have sucky luck when it comes to reproducing. Just once, I would like to work. Is that too much to ask?

Maybe I should just ask for someone to pass the vino.


shinejil said...

I sound like a broken record, but I'm just so sorry. Break-wise, you're not giving up; you're mustering the troops for the next campaign, hopefully the final battle in this war.

It's good to keep your blessings in mind. Gratitude does soothe.

So does a really nice bottle of Cote-du-Rhone.

kaaron said...

I am just so sorry to read this.

What you're asking? Definitely not too much.

FarmWife said...

I'm so sorry, my dear. My heart is simply broken for you.

I also want you to know, I've given you an award:

Schatzi said...

Awww man. I am sorry to hear this. It must be frustrating to have 2 miscarriages without a cause that you can "fix". Give yourself a nice, long break.

Paranoid said...

I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. You'll continue to be in my thoughts.

Lori said...

Lemme tell you this: If we lived in close proximity, we'd be on our 2nd bottle of wine by now. French, I think.

I am so sorry for the loss to you, and to the world.

JJ said...

Im so, so sorry....ive got a bottle waiting to share with you.

jp said...

Thank you for stopping by and I am incredibly sorry for your loss as well. You are correct, we are pretty much in the same place, just waiting for this happen.
You are also accurate in your statement, that this sucks. It surely does.
Please take good care of yourself as well.
I hope the next few days are as easy as they possibly can be for you.

Deathstar said...

Armed with a good attitude, an appreciation for all the wonderful things in your life and some wine to take the edge of, consider yourself carried in the arms of the universe until you can stand again.

Denise said...

I'm so sorry. This is NOT fair.

peesticksandstones said...

I am so, so sorry to hear this. I have totally been there -- there's just nothing that sucks quite like this.

Will be checking back to see how you're doing -- wishing you comfort and peace this weekend.

Take care.

Melanie said...

I lack the eloquence to tell you how much I wish it wasn't so. You are very much in my thoughts.

Mrs.X said...

Thanks, all of you.

shinejil- I like your take on taking a break. There is something so liberating about just saying screw it for a few months. At the moment, I'm more inclined to soothe with the Cote-du-Rhone than gratitude. :)

kaaron- it's good to know that I'm really not asking for that much.

farmwife- thanks. Your support has been so helpful.

schatzi- it is definitely break time and it is incredibly frustrating that there is no "fix". Good luck your journey, as well!

paranoid- thanks. I hope both of our hearts heal quickly.

lori- I have no doubt that we'd be on our second bottle. It's a date.

jj- thanks. we'll have a wonderful glass, too.

jp - thanks. The exact same thoughts are heading your way.

deathstar - so eloquent, thank you.

denise - you hit the nail on the head.

peesticks - I'm sorry that you know my pain. I really am.

melanie - thanks (and eloquence is not required).

TABI said...

I am so terribly sorry to hear this. This is so unfair and I hate that this is happening again. I know what it's like to go through 2 losses in a row. You will get through this. For me, with time, I was able to muster up enough hope to try again, and I hope you will too. Take good care of yourself.

Emily said...

De-lurking to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. A big hug and a bottle of wine for you...

Pamela Jeanne said...

Oh...I'm feeling for you and your dh. Wish I knew what to say to take away the sting and sadness...

Laura said...

It is almost a year since I sat where you are sitting. IVF 4 ended the way IVF 3 did (BFP then a missed miscarriage) so it is much sadness that I can say that I resemble your pain.

I wish you peace.

loribeth said...

I'm sorry. :(

Malky B. said...

I'm so sorry for your lose. This sucks big time.