Monday, June 23, 2008

Inconceivable

Despite my outwardly blase appearance toward 'trying' this month - me trying to get pregnant? Not! Watch me as I down my martini while riding a roller coaster, then soak in a hot tub for an inordinate amount of time, follow it up with pure caffeine pills and finally, hang on for dear life on a ride with a thoroughbred race horse - inwardly, I was secretly hoping for the ultimate surprise: a conception that required nothing more than two people, some wine and a bed. Things were really promising too, since last year after my miscarriage, I had the period that would not end and ultimately got a progesterone shot in the ass to re-set the ole system. This time, it was a picture perfect cycle.

So, on Sunday morning when I noticed some spotting, I knew that once again I was thwarted and we would be back on Dr. Uterus's roster of Unfortunate Infertile Couples.

A few days earlier, when I was still holding out a teensy bit of hope, I saw a woman walking in front of my house with her two year old. I had seen her before and the beginnings of a tell-tale bulge, but I had chosen to think that her t-shirt was just bunched in an odd way. This time around, though, it was obvious that she had The Bump, and I decided in my infinite wisdom that she had acquired The Bump in the way that most people do - in the privacy of their homes, without drama or fanfare and most certainly without needles, drugs or other paraphernalia. And that depressed me. Who was I to think that we would be able to do that - even now, more than three years since we started down the road to expand our family? What a silly infertile girl you are, thinking that you could get knocked up like everyone else. Don't you know that you're Special (and not in a good way)?

Such is the internal monologue of an Infertile Girl.

Once again, I am coming to terms with the fact that I will most likely not be able to conceive on my own, for whatever reason, and that assisted reproductive technology is my ticket to the Baby Game. I used to find this incredibly unfair. Now I've progressed to mildly unfair. Progress! Two-plus years of having the same thought over and over again will tend to smooth it out, rought out the edges and leave a smaller (and hopefully less painful) nugget than when you started.

Being that it is CD 1 today, I called Nurse To a T (Dr. Uterus's right-hand lady) and scheduled the mock cycle for the FET in August. I tried not to think about the fact that we also started trying again last year in August after the last miscarriage and it was a bust. I'm trying not to believe that I am only fertile in February since that is the month when I have gotten pregnant two years in a row now. I start the Estrace tomorrow (that's a new one for me) and will do the PIO injections starting in July. I had originally decided to go with the capsules (Endometrin?) but two things mitigated against it - expense and we won't have the results of an endometrial biopsy for almost two weeks, during which time I will be starting up for the real-deal FET. If the Endometrin didn't work, that would be a terrible time to find out. So, it's back to the butt shots for me.

And, just for sh*ts and giggles, I'll pick up an HPT to make certain, before I start pumping my body full of estrogen, that there really is no alien invasion. I'm not expecting a last minute reprieve, but it's a lot easier to pee on the stick when you don't think you're pregnant than when you do - which is probably why I hardly ever indulge.

Never a dull moment, here at the Young and the Infertile. Will she? Won't she? Tune in to find out!

image: jillhudgins

7 comments:

Kim said...

So sorry. I know what it is like to dream of a conception that only requires two people!

Ms Heathen said...

I think that, no matter how much we may know that it isn't going to happen, we always hold out hope for a miraculous & unmedicated pregnancy.

I'm thinking of you as you step back on board the treatment rollercoaster, Mrs X, and hoping that all goes well with this FET.

FarmWife said...

Fingers crossed in a corn field in Southern Illinois!

And your title made me want to jump up & pop The Princess Bride in the VCR (remember those things? You know, with the big black tapes?).

Paranoid said...

I used to have the same exact fantasy, every darn month. Most months, in fact, I thoroughly convinced myself that I really was pregnant, it was just the peesticks that were wrong.

Good luck to you. I'll be hoping that this upcoming FET is the last infertility procedure you'll ever need.

JellyBelly said...

if we didn't have hope so many of us would have already lost our minds.

crossed fingers and love to you!

Shinejil said...

Yeah, don't you love how all the wailing and teeth gnashing just starts to become ho-hum? As in, yeah, I'm Special, I'm pissed, who cares?

You are a brave woman, Mrs. X. We've got your back as you start the next leg of the race.

Marcia said...

Thank you for your blog! I am very new to yours (I've read two of your posts) and I love it, in a "been there done that" sort of way. Although for me I got pg easily but m/c a LOT. I also dreamed of not being "special". You write so eloquently about your life and it is so poignant. I hope you can say by next year that you were "doing this crap last year but look at what I'm holding now!" :)