And still, I would be lying to say that I am not even a little sad. While it is not nearly the level of what it was when she told me that she was pregnant, I can't say that I am completely immune. It makes me miss our babies. I miss that we weren't able to bring them home with us or be utterly exhausted after coming home from the hospital carrying this precious cargo with us.In the past, I would try to cheer myself up by reminding myself that above all, I believed that I would have a child. Now, I just don't know. What is shocking is that I am perfectly ok with that. I would love to bring home a baby, but I know that it may not be in the cards.
For the time being, I am happy and sad at the same time. I am happy for her that she has this wonderful new being in her life and I am sad for me that I don't. But, I am not sad because I don't know if I ever will.
But, the good news is that I finished the quilt for M on Monday and she was born on Tuesday. Nothing like getting it in under the wire!
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In other news, I have posted my first entry on our trip to Paris on my other blog. Check it out!
And, thanks to everyone for your wonderful comments about my last post. I'm very glad that so many of you were able to get something out of it. Isn't that what the blogosphere is for?
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21 comments:
Hi, from NCLM.
I love your outlook. I never got that far, I was always consumed with envy.
btw, I really like your header.
Congratulations to your friend!
I give you a lot of credit too, for your outlook. I hope that you get to be exhausted bringing your litte one home sometime soon.
(NCLM)
I know that happy/sad/wistful feeling all too well. You can't help but think about the "what ifs" & "if onlys" at times like these.
Love the artwork with this post.
I'm impressed that you finished the baby quilt in time. I once started a cross-stitch quilt to give to my soon-to-be-born cousin. He started college last year. The quilt's not finished yet.
Though if you don't mind me asking, how/where did you learn to quilt? Lately, I've been thinking it might be fun to try it, but I have no idea where to begin and no pre-existing proficiency in sewing. Do you have any hints?
Hi, over from NCLM. Congrats on finishing the quilt just in time. Doesn't finishing projects always feel great and fufilling? I love that feeling :-)
It felt very bittersweet to me when my best friend had her baby.
Reading just a few posts and your bio and I think we might be soul sisters. Reading in the bath just might be my favorite hobby. I like words so much that I tivo'd all 5 hours of the Spelling Bee (just like every year). I'm not so sure about Jesus or any man upstairs. And the Mona Lisa ain't shit.
Glad I found you and I plan on sticking around...
Pregnancies and births make me sad too. I want to be happy for my friends - I really do - I just can't. But I'm working on it. :)
What a hard time. We had a birth announcement a few days ago and even though we're now okay with the possibility of not having a kid, it still grates.
Congrats on the quilt too. That's a great effort.
I'm glad you're able to be happy for your friend. I know it's hard. Although I do have one child (he's 6) my sister had one while I was in the middle of IF treatments, and is due again in July. I AM happy for her and thrilled to meet this baby but it hurts a bit anyway.
Here from NCLM. Great job finishing the quilt on time. Wow! I am queen of 'never finishing anything.' Hopefully you'll get to finish one for your own kids --- soon.
I love your outlook too! I firmly believe that you can be happy for someone else while being sad for yourself and that those are not conflicting feelings.
It can be so difficult to get to the place of peace and acceptance you're in. I admire your ability to get there. It really is a beautiful thing and I think it will also help you enjoy your friends and their new little one as much as possible, which will benefit you all.
Hola from NCLM :)
I agree with the other posters that you have a great outlook, which is to be admired. I think that what you feel is completely normal. It's not that you are sad at what she has, you are sad at what you lost...completely understandable.
Great blog...I will be back :)
Congrats to your friend and congrats on your outlook...I know the feeling, but I admire your "okayness" with the unknown...I am striving to get there myself...
(NCLM)
Here via NCLM - congrats to your friend! I can empathize with your feelings - when I first learned of my friends' pregnancies when I was struggling with IF, I was devastated. The babies' arrival was less painful, but still caused a twinge, and I was even pregnant at the time! Now, after having lost our babies, I still am less sad about our friends' babies than I would be to hear they were pregnant, I can't explain why. But there is always sadness.
thanks for the comment.
I know infertility is nothing to be ashamed of but many people don't agree and have tried to make me feel as if speaking of it is disgraceful.
I know those feelings all too well, and you expressed yourself beautifully. Thanks for sharing, it made me feel far less alone.
Visiting from NCLM . . .
Here from NCLM.
Always nice to finish things in time.
Good wishes.
Just another who wanted to say I love your outlook on the whole pregnancy/bringing baby home thing.
I had a hard time, and I don't know if I was ever happy for anyone, sadly. It's still hard for me.
(hug)
Samantha
(NCLM)
as a fellow infertile with a super-fertile best friend (she got preggo on one try for both kids), it is so hard to balance the jealousy/happiness feelings.
i'm so proud that you finished the quilt!
You are a good friend! Thanks for the alternative way of looking at a situation like this... =)
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